mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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