Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
