I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
