listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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