We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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