Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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