Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
