Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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