How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
high people should be assigned attendants
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
