You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
