Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
