Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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