Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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