The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
