i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
