I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
