Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
