with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
and you fell through a lawn chair
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
