Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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