They should really pass out barf bags in church
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
