Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
