Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
