I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
