I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
