she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
