i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
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You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
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OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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