just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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