it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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