i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
