he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
