my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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