Plan B is the new Plan A
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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