what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
