well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
