someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
