the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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