my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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