I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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