I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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