this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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