Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
