Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
