hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
