I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
