so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
