It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
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I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I want to be your penis for a week.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
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I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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