smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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