just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
