I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
