She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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