if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
