No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
