It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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