So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
