mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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