its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
