I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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