Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
